I'm Angry Near You, Not At You: How to Have Healthy Anger

Anger isn’t the enemy. Misplaced anger is.

Most of us were taught that anger is bad—that expressing it makes us unlikable, difficult, or out of control. So, we bottle it up, we swallow it down, or we let it explode in ways that does not feel good afterward.

But here’s the thing: anger isn’t just normal, it’s necessary.

It’s a sign that something isn’t right, that a boundary has been crossed, or that a deeper emotion is asking to be seen.

The problem isn’t feeling angry. The problem is what we do with it.

There’s a way to express anger that doesn’t destroy relationships, but actually strengthens them. The key? Learning how to be angry near someone, instead of at them. Here’s how to turn your anger into a tool for connection, not conflict.

The Difference Between Healthy and Unhealthy Anger

Not all anger is created equal. There’s a massive difference between anger that clears the air and anger that burns bridges.

Unhealthy anger looks like:

• Blaming, shaming, or lashing out at others

• Holding onto resentment and replaying the hurt on repeat

• Silent treatment, passive-aggressiveness, or bottling it up until it explodes

• Letting anger drive impulsive actions you regret later

Healthy anger looks like:

• Using anger as information to understand what’s bothering you

• Expressing it in a way that’s direct, but not destructive

• Taking responsibility for your emotions instead of making it someone else’s fault

• Using anger as fuel for change, not as a weapon against others

Your anger isn’t wrong. But how you use it matters.

Why Suppressing Anger Can Be More Harmful Than Expressing It

If you avoid conflict like it’s a plague and suppress every angry impulse, I have some bad news: that anger isn’t gone—it’s just simmering beneath the surface, waiting for the perfect moment to come out sideways.

When you don’t express anger, it can manifest as:

• Chronic stress, anxiety, or tension in the body

• Snapping over small things because the bigger things haven’t been addressed

• Resentment that builds and creates emotional distance in relationships

• Feeling unseen, unheard, or like you’re constantly self-abandoning

Your body knows when you’re suppressing something. And trust me, it will find a way to release it—whether that’s through burnout, passive-aggressiveness, or an outburst that catches everyone (including you) off guard.

And if none of those happen then it can be trapped in your body and become disease. But that is a much bigger discussion.

Anger needs an outlet. The goal isn’t to get rid of it—it’s to channel it in a way that actually helps you.

How to Communicate Anger Without Blame or Attacks

Okay, so you’re feeling angry. Your body is hot, your heart is pounding, and you’re ready to either fight or flee. What happens next determines whether your anger strengthens or damages your relationship.

Here’s the formula for expressing anger without turning it into a blame game:

• Step 1: Identify What You’re Actually Mad About Before you say a word, pause. Ask yourself: Is this anger about what just happened, or is it triggering something deeper? (Example: You’re furious your partner didn’t text back, but what’s actually bothering you is the fear of being unimportant.)

• Step 2: Own Your Feelings Without Blame Start with “I” statements instead of “You” accusations. Instead of: “You never listen to me!” Say: “I feel unheard when I try to talk and I don’t get a response.”

• Step 3: Express What You Need, Not Just What’s Wrong Anger points to a need that isn’t being met. Instead of just venting frustration, be clear about what would help. “I need to feel like my voice matters in this relationship. Can we work on better communication?”

• Step 4: Stay Focused—No Bringing Up the Past Anger loves to drag in old wounds. Resist. Keep the conversation about this moment, not every other time someone upset you.

Anger that’s communicated well creates clarity and understanding. Anger that’s unleashed recklessly creates distance and regret. Choose wisely.

Repairing and Reconnecting After an Angry Moment

So, you got angry. Maybe it didn’t come out as gracefully as you wanted. Maybe you did snap, yell, or say something unfair. Now what?

• Step 1: Take Responsibility Not for feeling angry—but for how you handled it. “I realize I spoke harshly, and that’s not how I want to communicate.”

• Step 2: Check in on the Other Person Ask, “How did that feel for you?”—without getting defensive about their answer.

• Step 3: Repair, Don’t Just Move On If something needs to be addressed, don’t brush it under the rug. Talk about what can change moving forward.

Healthy anger isn’t about avoiding conflict—it’s about navigating it with care.

Final Thought: Anger is Just a Messenger—Listen to It

Anger isn’t here to ruin your relationships or turn you into a bad person. It’s here to tell you something. The more you listen, express it with clarity, and move through it without causing harm, the more powerful (and free) you’ll feel.

Your anger isn’t too much. Your emotions aren’t the problem. It’s how you use them that changes everything.

If you're ready to shift your energy and reconnect with yourself, grab my FREE Heated to Regulated Flashcards. Because real self-care? It includes honouring all of your emotions—including anger.